SAM

I’m sorry. I’m sorry – for crying out loud, what was I thinking, here you are in this strange man’s basement – I just, I’m just under a lot of stress lately and it’s clouding my judgement – or maybe I’m just trying to get back at my wife – I’m sorry – studies have shown that men tend to overestimate a woman’s interest, I guess knowing that doesn’t make you immune to making an ass of yourself -


MARY

Sam.


SAM

Yeah?


MARY

Don’t worry about it.


SAM

Okay. Okay.

(beat)

It just seemed that you’re weren’t lingering here because of a desperate need for a fifty dollar stipend. I mean, beautiful women like yourself generally have better things to do than hang around my basement discussing genetics...So I got confused, let go of my grip on reality and thought that your interest was in me...


MARY

Sam. Okay, I have a confession to make. You weren’t wrong. I do have an abnormal interest in your work. And under different circumstances – I really am just magically drawn to that noggin. Your theory must be correct...but the reason for my curiosity...

(She pauses, then hands him a card.)

I work for a pharmaceutical company. We make some of the snake-oil cures you were referring to, which I’m sorry didn’t work out for you. They do help some people. It’s my job to keep an eye on up-and-coming research and secure rights to ideas that might help our company provide better solutions to our customers. Your friend John Gary at UC Santa Cruz mentioned something about what you were working on to me and I decided to come up and check it out for myself. And based on what we’ve talked about, I think my company might be interested in acquiring rights to your research.


SAM

Well I’ll be damned. You’re the person John was calling about…why would you want my work? My theory isn’t gonna help sell a single bottle of snake oil. That’s the whole point of what I’m doing, to make people realize that...I hate saying this...bald is beautiful.


MARY

That’s an admirable goal, Sam. But men are always going to be distressed by their hair loss, even if you tell them it’s actually a good thing. And science should offer them a choice, if they want it.


SAM

And if they can afford it.


MARY

I think your research could pave the way to a better understanding of baldness, and a better alternative for those who want one.


SAM

Yeah, is that how you’re going to market it? An “alternative for those who want it”? I’ve seen your advertisements. Designed to build and play upon fear and self-loathing. “Will she still love you...if you lose your hair?” Do you know where I got my pictures digitally altered? On your company’s website! I can go to your website, send in a photo, and—free of charge—your company will digitally alter the photo to show you what you’ll look like...if you KEEP LOSING YOUR HAIR. Haven’t we figured this out by now? You can’t mix medicine and capitalism.


MARY

Why not?


SAM

Because when the money comes from the patients, it doesn’t pay to heal them – the disease is the golden goose! I mean, the whole drug industry has gone to shit. Profiteering, no sense of morality, warped by incessant capitalism, I mean not giving AIDS drugs to African countries at a price they can afford, it’s despicable –


MARY

My company has donated Mectizan to Africa since 1987 to help with river blindness. Among other things. In fact my company also make drugs for patients with high blood pressure, cholesterol, pain, asthma; we make vaccines for chicken pox, Hepatitis A and B…we developed 16 new products in past 6 years, all with the goal of improving people’s lives. Sales from cosmetic drugs – bought by people who can afford them – bring money to my company that we can put into R&D for drugs that save lives.


SAM

And line the executive pockets.


MARY

I have a decent salary. I do a good job. You could use a decent salary, couldn’t you?


SAM

I have a decent salary.


MARY

I mean doing this. Wouldn’t it be good if you could do this full time?

(beat)

There’s a reason I’m asking.


SAM

(incredulous)

Are you offering to hire me?


MARY

I’m...willing to discuss it.


SAM

(considers her offer for a moment)

You know what? I don’t think you’re here to help with the research or to further the understanding of baldness or anything remotely like that. I think you just want to bury it. A check to me is a tiny price for a company of your size. Especially if it’s gonna give you some insurance for your billion dollar cosmetic drugs. I mean, you can’t even come in here and deal with me honestly, what’s that all about? Thanks for the offer, but I think I’ll keep toiling here on my own and see where I get.


MARY

I should have been upfront. It just seemed more fun to meet you this way.


SAM

And easier to get me to spill the details of my work to you. Don’t think my lawyer won’t be notified.


MARY

I haven’t done anything illegal. And to be honest I’m really not worried about your research cutting company profits. Actually I just like how your mind works. I just want to promote your talent. To get to the heart of your ideas. That’s my job.


SAM

Really?


MARY

I’m not worried about your research because drug sales are based on people feeling something they don’t like and seeking to get rid of that bad feeling. And taking a pill will always be easier than changing their way of thinking. If we had a pill to make gay folks straight, do you know how much money we could make? If we had a pill to make boobs bigger? Right now we have a pill that makes some people feel better about themselves. And that is always going to sell, and I don’t think that’s really a bad thing. Profit is derived from a good product. We make good products.


SAM

But it gets warped. Warped by greed. Warped by hope. People taking drugs, you don’t even know what they do or how they do it. Inventing disease where none exists. You’re out there creating markets for your medical products. Good for the stock price, bad for the patients. Whatever happened to, “First, do no harm?” I’m flattered about the job offer, but...here’s your stipend, you can find your way out I’m sure. Don’t let the door hit your ass.


MARY

Screw you...baldy!


SAM

Up yours, A-cup!